NJENGOBA amazwi kaJohn noCarol ebonisa, indlela okhuliswe ngayo ingaba nethonya elinamandla endleleni oziyala ngayo izingane zakho. Uma indoda nomkayo bekhuliswe ngezindlela ezingafani, cishe bayoba nokuthambekela okungafani uma kuziwa ekuqeqesheni izingane. Ngezinye izikhathi, lo mehluko ungabangela izingxabano emshadweni.

Ukukhathala kungazibhebhethekisa izingxabano. Abazali abaqalayo ukuba nabantwana bayashesha ukuqaphela ukuthi ukunikeza isiyalo kuwumsebenzi onzima, wasikhathi sonke. UJoan nomyeni wakhe uDarren asebekhulise amantombazane amabili, uthi: “Ngiyawathanda amadodakazi ami, kodwa ngokuvamile ayengavumi ukuyolala ngesikhathi engifuna ngaso. Ayengalali ngesikhathi okufanele alale ngaso. Ayengiphazamisa   lapho ngifuna ukukhuluma okuthile. Ayengazibeki endaweni efanele izicathulo, izingubo namathoyizi azo futhi engalibuyiseli ibhotela esiqandisini.”

UJack, umkakhe owahlushwa ukucindezeleka kwangemva kokubeletha, ngemva kokuzalwa komntwana wabo wesibili, uthi: “Ngangivame ukufika ekhaya ngikhathele ngivela emsebenzini bese ngihlala cishe ubusuku bonke ngingalele nginakekela usana lwethu. Lokhu kwakwenza kwaba inselele ukuqhubeka siyala indodakazi yethu endala. Yayinesikhwele uma sinaka udadewabo omncane.”

Lapho abazali abakhathele bephikisana ngendlela okufanele kuqeqeshwe ngayo umntwana, izingxabano ezincane zingaphenduka impi enkulu. Izingxabano ezingaxazululiwe zingaba umhosha ohlukanisa umbhangqwana bese kubangela ukuba umntwana akhethe umzali omvunayo. Yiziphi izimiso zeBhayibheli ezingasiza umbhangqwana ukuba ulondoloze ukusondelana emshadweni ngesikhathi esifanayo uqeqeshe izingane zawo ngokuphumelelayo?

Umshado kufanele ube khona ngaphambi kokuba kuzalwe abantwana, futhi uhloselwe ukuba uhlale ukhona nangemva kokuba sebehambile ekhaya. Ngokuphathelene nesibopho somshado, iBhayibheli lithi: “Lokho uNkulunkulu akubophele ndawonye makungahlukaniswa muntu.” (Mathewu 19:6) Ngokuphambene, wona lo mbhalo ubonisa ukuthi uNkulunkulu wayehlele ukuba umntwana ngokuhamba kwesikhathi ‘ashiye uyise nonina.’ (Mathewu 19:5) Ngempela, noma yikuphi ukukhuliswa kwabantwana kuyisigaba esithile nje somshado, hhayi isisekelo somshado ngokwawo. Ngokuqinisekile, abazali kufanele bazinike isikhathi sokuqeqesha abantwana babo, kodwa kufanele bakhumbule ukuthi umshado oqinile uyisisekelo esingcono kakhulu sokwenza kanjalo.

Iyiphi enye indlela umbhangqwana ongagcina ngayo ubuhlobo bawo buqinile phakathi neminyaka yokukhulisa abantwana? Uma kungenzeka, hlelani isikhathi njalo sokuba ndawonye ngaphandle kwezingane. Ukwenza kanjalo kuyoninika ithuba lokuxoxa ngezindaba ezibalulekile zomkhaya futhi nijabulele nokuba ndawonye nje. Kuyavunywa, akulula ukuhlela isikhathi sokuba ndawonye njengombhangqwana. U-Alison, umama okukhulunywe ngaye ekuqaleni, uthi: “Njalo lapho sekungathi sizoba nesikhashana sokuba ndawonye nomyeni wami, indodakazi yethu encane ivele ifune ukunakwa noma indodakazi yethu eneminyaka eyisithupha ubudala ivele ivelelwe ‘inhlekelele,’ njengokungawatholi amapeni ayo okudweba.”

UJoan noDarren, okukhulunywe ngabo ekuqaleni, babehlela isikhathi sokuba ndawonye ngokunquma isikhathi amadodakazi abo okufanele alale ngaso. UJoan uthi: “Njalo amadodakazi ethu kwakufanele alungele ukulala ‘nokucima izibani’ ngesikhathi esinqunyiwe. Lokho kwakusinika ithuba sinoDarren lokuhlala sixoxe.”

Ngokuhlela isikhathi sokulala kwezingane esingaguquki, umbhangqwana ngeke nje uthole isikhathi sokuba ndawonye kodwa uyosiza nengane ukuba ‘ingazicabangi inkulu kunalokho okudingeka ukuba ikucabange.’ (Roma 12:3) Ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, izingane eziqeqeshelwa ukuba zihloniphe imithetho yesikhathi sokulala ziyaqaphela ukuthi ziyingxenye ebalulekile yomkhaya kodwa akuzona zodwa ezibalulekile—kumelwe zivumelane nesimiso somkhaya esikhundleni sokulindela ukuba isimiso somkhaya sivumelane nazo.

Isaga esihlakaniphile sithi: “Ndodana yami, lalela isiyalo sikayihlo, ungawushiyi umthetho  kanyoko.” (IzAga 1:8) Leli vesi leBhayibheli lisikisela ukuthi bobabili umama nobaba banelungelo lokusebenzisa igunya labo ezinganeni. Kodwa, ngisho noma umbhangqwana wakhuliswa ngendlela efanayo, ungase ungavumelani ngendlela yokuyala ingane nokuthi imiphi imithetho yomkhaya okufanele isebenze esimweni esithile. Abazali bangayisingatha kanjani leyo nselele?

UJohn, ocashunwe ekuqaleni, uthi: “Nginomuzwa wokuthi kubalulekile ukungaphikisani phambi kwezingane.” Kodwa uyavuma ukuthi ukuvumelana akuyona into elula. UJohn uthi: “Izingane ziyanakisisa. Ngisho noma singazange siphikisane phambi kwayo, indodakazi yethu iyakwazi ukubona imizwelo yethu.”

UJohn no-Alison bayisingatha kanjani le nselele? U-Alison uthi: “Uma ngingavumelani nendlela umyeni wami ayiyala ngayo indodakazi yethu, ngiyalinda ize ihambe ngaphambi kokuba ngiveze umbono wami. Angifuni ukuba icabange ukuthi ingasixabanisa ngenxa yemibono yethu engafani. Uma ibona ukuthi asivumelani, ngiyayitshela ukuthi wonke amalungu omkhaya kufanele alandele ilungiselelo likaJehova nokuthi mina ngizithoba ngokuzithandela ebunhlokweni bukayise njengoba nje nayo kufanele izithobe egunyeni lethu njengabazali.” (1 Korinte 11:3; Efesu 6:1-3) UJohn uthi: “Uma sindawonye njengomkhaya, ngivame ukuhola ekuyaleni amadodakazi ethu. Kodwa uma u-Alison ejwayelene kangcono naleso simo, ngiyamvumela ukuba akhiphe isiyalo bese ngimsekela. Uma ngingavumelani naye ngokuthile, ngixoxa naye kamuva.”

Ningazinqanda kanjani izingxabano ezimayelana nokuqeqesha ingane yenu ukuba zingabangeli inzondo phakathi kwakho noshade naye—futhi kanjalo, zenze izingane zenu zingabe zisanihlonipha?

Ngokungangabazeki, ukuqeqesha izingane kuwumsebenzi onzima. Ngezinye izikhathi, lo msebenzi ungase ubonakale uqeda amandla. Kodwa ngokuhamba kwesikhathi, abantwana bakho bayohamba ekhaya, futhi wena nowakwakho niyozizwa niwumbhangqwana futhi. Ingabe isibopho senu somshado siyoqina noma siyoba buthaka ngenxa yokuthi nikhulise abantwana? Impendulo iyoxhomeka ekutheni nisisebenzisa kanjani isimiso esikumShumayeli 4:9, 10: “Ababili bangcono kunoyedwa, ngoba banomvuzo omuhle ngomsebenzi wabo onzima. Ngoba uma kungenzeka omunye wabo awe, lo omunye angamvusa umngane wakhe.”

Lapho abazali besebenza ndawonye ngokubambisana, imiphumela inganelisa kakhulu. UCarol, ocashunwe ekuqaleni, uveza imizwa yakhe ngale ndlela: “Ngangazi ukuthi umyeni wami unezimfanelo eziningi ezinhle, kodwa ukukhulisa kwethu abantwana kungibonise uhlangothi lobuntu bakhe ebengingalwazi. Inhlonipho nothando lwami ngaye kuye kwakhula njengoba ngimbuka enakekela amadodakazi ethu ngothando.” Nakhu uJohn akushoyo ngo-Alison, “Ukubona indlela umkami athuthuke ngayo waba umama onakekelayo kujulise uthando nenhlonipho yami ngaye.”

Uma uzinika isikhathi sokuba nowakwakho futhi nisebenza ngokubambisana phakathi neminyaka yokukhulisa abantwana, umshado wenu uyoqina njengoba nabantwana bekhula. Yisiphi nje esinye isibonelo esingcono obungasibekela abantwana bakho?